


Good Enough

by still_lycoris



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hero Worship, Self-Esteem Issues, Shock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 08:34:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17240975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/still_lycoris/pseuds/still_lycoris
Summary: After escaping from Yotsuba, Matsuda's more than a bit shaken. He's not the only one.





	Good Enough

**Author's Note:**

> Written for 12dayschristmas

Matsuda sat on the bed, looked at the ceiling and tried to breathe deeply.

It sort of got stuck half-way down and he had to gulp and try again.

He'd jumped off a balcony. He'd just jumped off a _balcony._ Okay, there had been something to land on and it had been kind of cool to _do_ but now he'd done it, he found that his brain was offering up a lot more scenarios that could have ended much more unpleasantly. What if the mattress had broken or he'd missed – he was the kind of idiot that would miss. He could have hit the ground and died and it would have been his own fault because he'd done something stupid. Again. Because he always did stupid things.

A hand landed gently on his shoulder and he looked to see the Chief sitting beside him. He smiled at Matsuda and Matsuda thought just for a moment that he might totally shame himself and burst into tears like a little kid.

He didn't though. He took a proper breath that actually got through all of him and managed a small smile of his own. The Chief’s hand was warm and it was helping him feel like he was really there.

“S-sorry to put everyone to so much trouble. Is Ryuzaki really mad?”

“No. In fact, I think he is in quite a good mood. He enjoyed coming up with that plan and you _have_ given us some good information. Is that _really_ what you're worried about right now?”

“Well. Yeah?”

“You could have died!”

The Chief sounded … anxious. Like it might really matter if Matsuda had died or not. Matsuda stared at him, blinking and the Chief shook his head slightly.

“You were so reckless! You could have got yourself killed! And what then?”

Matsuda wasn't sure how to answer that. He supposed “what then” would have been that he would have been dead and probably nobody would have really noticed but it seemed a bit childish to say that. He hadn't really thought about what would happen if he died. He didn't really want to think about it too much. He didn't think that anybody would care overmuch. His family didn't need him and he'd only ever disappointed them anyway. He wasn't useful to the taskforce. That was why he'd done this.

“I wanted to help,” he tried instead. “I just wanted to do something important.”

“ _You're_ important,” the Chief said, shaking his head slightly. “Do you not believe that? Do you not think that maybe we'd be upset if you died? You're part of our team, Matsuda. We want you here.”

“I … I don't … ”

When the Chief looked at him like that, it was hard to explain that he knew that he was useless, that he'd been useless for years, that they tolerated him because they were short-staffed and because he'd never actually done anything stupid enough to get himself fired, that everybody else was so good at things and he was so pointless. Only when the Chief looked at him and he sort of thought he could do better, _be_ better and he wanted to be and … and …

“I'm sorry,” he mumbled and the hand on his shoulder squeezed tightly.

“Don't be sorry. Remember that you _matter._ Do you think I'd let you work this case if I thought you weren't capable of it?”

“No?”

“No. I wouldn't. I'd make you leave. I believe in you, Matsuda. Don't get yourself killed because you feel like you aren't good enough.”

Matsuda wished that he was braver. If he was braver, he thought he might have leaned in now, see if the Chief would hug him. He would love to be hugged by the Chief. It would be like being hugged by someone so special, being a son. But he wasn't braver and anyway, the Chief was still squeezing his shoulder and really, that probably ought to be enough for anybody.

“I'll do better,” he said instead and the Chief shook his head slightly.

“Just be you,” he said. “That's good enough for me.”


End file.
